God's Will be Done?

Sure is an odd thing, God's will. I mean, as people, we ask and strive for His will to be done (or we should), and yet, the journey can be agonizing. Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane brings this point across. There is a ton of stories likened unto pleasing God that is unpleasing to man. It's not what we'd do, or what we'd want. I guess that's where submitting yourself to Him comes in.

I've been praying lately for God's will to be done. I've been struggling on my current job, and have become fed up with it. I know this is the right time to be looking for a new job as that is what the Lord had informed me of nearly a year ago. So all this time, sticking with this job has been difficult.

To add some more salt to the wound, it seems as though the job I interviewed for yesterday has decided that they will continue to seek someone for the position. I felt God was in it, but you never know. I asked the church to pray, as i was, for God's will to be done. If He didn't want me to have this job, then I didn't want it. In the spirit, that's how it is. I want to please Him. But I tell you, my flesh is not happy with it. I found out earlier today about their decision, and since then, I've been craving comfort food, thinking how nice it would be to just go home and crawl into bed, and praying.

I know, it was just an interview. In fact, it was a follow-up to a successful phone interview. Apparently good enough to deem the owner's time for half of the second interview. After an hour and a half in there, I felt I did good. Apparently they were not satisfied with my personality or skills or experience, or some combination of them.

I don't know what else to say that certainly it must be God's will. The Bible tells us that "All things work for good for those that love God." Would I take the job if they offered it to me for less money? Sure would. I'd take about anything to get away from my current situation, and knowing how miserable I have been working at this position, I thought this would be my ticket out of here. Apparently God has other plans.

Am I complaining? No. I'm just sad because I didn't get what I thought was best, although it's quite possible that I got a steal of a deal, because it seems like it's God's will.

I'll take that over anything.

Pardon Me While I Vent Just A Little

It's been awhile since my last post, and for that, I apologize. Life comes at you fast, sometimes, and it sure has for me lately.

I've been struggling at work, for one thing.

Here's the backstory:

I graduated from college in 2004 with an associates in software programming and left my job at Wal-Mart that I had been with for over 2 years. At this time, all I had for background was primarily factory, retail and janitoral experience. I then got a long-term contracting job as a web-developer.

When I started working as a contractor, I was paid barely above what Wal-Mart had me at when I left. Mind you, Wal-Mart also gave me affordable benefits, so this was a tough move, but I took the job for experience. It's been 2 years now, and I've continually worked with only one other person, the owner of the startup company. I've seen my responsibilties go from data, coding and lite tech support for one system, to data and coding for 2 or more systems, as well as website data, and tech support for about all of them (including websites).

I don't mind people. I like having others around, even some customers are great, as I learned at Wal-Mart. But, when you deal in CS you have to deal with primarily the non-great customers. The ones that nitpick and fault-find. "Our other system does this and yours only does this - we need all of the same features, yet we wanna pay 1/2 as much as we are for the other..." is typical of what the customer's request. And my client I work for (who I've continually called my boss, which I'm trying to work out of my vocabulary as of late) sells it to them for that price.

Sure, it's not a bad product that we put out, and I try hard to get a bug-less system out for production, but man, one person can only do so much. This system is used in over 80 real estate offices as there primary office and appointment scheduling software, and one guy is supposed to do quality assurance for all this? As well as take care of all the other responsibilities too? For marginally more than I made at Wal-mart?

My desire to perform this job at the top of my ability has seemed to sputter out. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do, but it's been 2 years at my current position. Not that it should change anything, but my responsibilities have continued to grow while my pay has barely increased. After talking to a staffing firm for IT professionals, I'm currently making well under the industry standard for my skills.

I mentioned something to the client about needing more funding, and he gave me a nice increase, which I recently found out was intended to be used for insurance. I don't know if you've priced out insurance for self-employed people, but it's not cheap. Basically, my wife and I should be able to get by on about $13.50 (after medical) an hour and limited medical coverage, dental and such would probably take away even more. Did I mention that's before taxes? Yeah, he wants to treat me as an employee yet wants to pay me as a contractor, and do all my own taxes and such.

Anytime I've told him I'm exploring different job options, he's pulled me aside, met with me, convinced me of this and that, and made promises of things yet to be delivered. Not this time. I've seen it in him, he's trying to call my bluff, and I can tell that he's not too happy about my decision. That's okay by me, because it saves me the trouble of having to come up with an excuse or anything, I'd rather just cut the ties. In fact, I've kind of been dreaming about being able to tell him, "Two weeks from now, I won't be around any longer." Gets me excited just thinking about that.

It's quite frustrating, I don't even want to do my job any longer. I pray about it, about God leading me to another position, as this has zero room for growth. Sure, I'm a contractor, but not necessarily by choice. He's told me before that he would be looking at getting me benefits, giving me better raises, etc. I've spent enough time already waiting for my client to fulfill promises that have still yet to come, and I can no longer keep myself energized about being taken advantage of.

I haven't had a vacation since I started, and his idea of me taking a vacation includes taking my laptop to wherever I go and either working from there or monitoring emails to make sure nothing blows up. I can't escape from having this in the back of my mind no matter where I go because he is so controlling, and I've let it go on this far, and am now just starting to get a spine about it.

For far too long I've been spineless in this job. I've called him my boss when in all truth, as a contractor, I should be my own boss. I should be focused on keeping him happy, sure, but, I should also be able to bend some rules and not worry about getting jumped on about being 15 min late some days (this may seem like a normal thing, I know I shouldn't be late, but the position has lent itself to being 9-5, changing to earlier was difficult, and he gets on me about him working from 6am to 10pm... HE OWNS THE COMPANY - I'M A CONTRACTOR)

Forgive me for venting. I take this to the Lord, and I do pray about it, and I really feel like this is the time He has set aside for me to journey elsewhere. Writing helps me to get out the frustration and exhaustion I am feeling, and I don't want you to think I am not waitingon God, because I am trying my best to do so.

Please keep me in your prayers as I do look for jobs, because this one has certainly come to feel like it's coming to a close soon. God blessed me with this position for a time, now I believe He's got something else for me.

I sure sound like a complainer... Lord please help me, I want to be a better man that is a better witness, but tonight, I just had to write, to get this off my chest.

He's God, and I'm not. I still love Him so much, my Jesus.

Another Creative Late Night

I got my guitar last week, and boy do I look forward to praticing it every night. I'm still learning notes, so I haven't gotten to the chords lessons yet. I will say, however, that my patience of learning Yankee Doodle and Rockin' Robin is wearing thin. That 3rd string is getting easier though, and I'm definitely enjoying the whole new world of creativity and expression that I'm experiencing.

After practicing last night for a good hour or so, I sat on the couch and ended up inadvertently taking a powernap (read: fell asleep). So I woke up around 9pm, and realized that I needed to get to work... soon. You see, we had a software upgrade rollout this morning, and I had to prep the database for it, finalize code changes, etc. Well, after I was able to pull myself away from wrestling(I enjoy the sportsmanship but not the storyline or language, and yes, I'm trying to stop watching it), I got to the computer and just started knocking things out.

I work so much better in the quiet of the night than in the workday. I know, if you read the first chapter of Genesis, it states quite frequently that, "And the evening and the morning" in reference to the days. It gives you the thought that God works well in the evening too. Creative juices just seem to flow better. It doesn't state that He created the earth from 9 to 5, just kind of gives speculation that the evening was His choice time for working. Brother Rusty Strange pointed that out years ago in a service, and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

This doesn't suprise me, then, that we have similar characteristics, since we were created in His image. Sure, our nature, given the history of humanity, is not like that of God, but some of our desires, we look to have at least the creative thing in common :)

I like that. I like knowing that my Jesus is where I get some of my attributes, and where I should look to get all of them from. He's just too good to pass up :)

Talking To Myself

I just picked up this new hobby. You're probably thinking "What!?". I know, I've seen and heard others talk to themselves, and I usually think the same thing "step back slowly and no one will get hurt...", but it's a simple idea that's based in Psalm 42:5

"Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance."

It's no mystery that I can be a bear about my feelings, or be down just because, but the scripture depicts David talking to himself. He, inside, is feeling down. Whether it be because of something someone has said, or something Satan is whispering in his ear, he's just not happy. His joy is not present.

Now, what does David do? He talks to himself. "Why are thou cast down, O my soul?" is the start to a conversation. He's now ready to listen to what he's thinking, but will rationalize it out loud. He then tells himself, "hope thou in God". He is effectively preaching to himself, bringing himself up out of his depressed state.

The joy of Jesus Christ is something that I tend to not look at, simply because of the day and time in which I live, distractions aplenty and a myriad of unbelievers does not help me. But if David, who has been hated by many, can make a stand through God, surely the Lord can help me.

This is one of those nuggets of gold that the Lord has given me. I will treasure it, and I will try not to talk to myself too loudly.

Lackadaisical Am I

Well, after another day of stress (I tell you, I'm gonna crack soon), I've come to the conclusion (yes, I've just come to it, so save the smarmy-ness) that I need help.

After a couple of the sermons that my Pastor has taught over the past few weeks, one aptly titled "Cleanup Your Life", I decided to act on it. So I've made a list of things I need to take care of, a "Cleanup Your Life" list, if you will.

What is this list, you ask, and what does it contain?

It's a list of outstanding things in my life that need attention. From the computer I've been trying to get installed in a family's home, to a website that needs a designer (I'm not designing it, I just was lax on getting the designer informed of it, my bad), to fixing many other small problems that have just seemed to snowball. I've got an easy 30+ items on this list (mind you, a few items are like "Get splenda at Wal-Mart"), with more coming as I think of it. Like today, one item I'm gonna get completed is going to Payless, and grabbing a pair of sneakers. I've put it off for awhile, wanting sandals, hoping the wife will crack (she's tough, I tell you), but sneakers have been fine for me all my life, surely another pair can't hurt? I can always get sandals some other time, or another year.

I'm glad that Jesus is always working on me, and I'll tell you, I am not the smoothest clay in the land, but if He'll just keep working on me, it won't be so bad. After all, the pretty pots at the shops aren't raw clay from the ground, it's refined and worked by a skilled potter. He surely is a skilled potter, and I, as the pot, do not like the fire of the kiln that I seem to find myself in as of late. But it makes me better in the end, and more suitable to God, and that's what matters.

Sore Fingers & A Smile

It's been about a week since I started learning how to play the guitar. I've found that I do enjoy it, as it is so dynamic, yet very pleasing. It's simple at times (for an absolute beginner, that's a good thing), but also challenging. I haven't even thought of giving up on it, ever. It's just rewarding to learn something that will keep you enthralled for the rest of your life. I thank God for that.

With learning the guitar comes sore fingers, as any guitar player can attest. I guess the fact that I am not allowed to baby them doesn't help (programming sure helps...). That's all good and fine thoug, because if you can believe it, I kind of like it. It's not like when you get sore after working out, you don't wanna do it again. It's more like I just got my fill and am waiting abit to go back and get refilled.

It's been a treat, I will say that. God surely is looking out for me, I just continue to pray that I please Him.

Stay Tuned

The Lord has been blessing me and I am so happy He's given me a desire to praise and worship Him through a method I never considered before for myself.

I've been pining over saving up the money and how long it will take to get the cash to buy a good guitar that I won't need to replace for some time, but then I also see that means I won't be able to learn until I've got one... catch 22 there. Well, it seems I've got a friend that has an acoustic guitar gathering dust in it's gig bag, and he's fully willing to let me learn on it. So yesterday, he stopped by, and I had in my hands a what will be my learning guitar.

Many thanks go out to him, it's a great gesture to show someone you care that they learn. I really appreciate it.

I spent the first part of my night in my induction class (taught by yours truly with help from various websites) on Stringing A Guitar. I'm glad strings were included in the kit, except that now I need to go replace them, but hey, I learn by doing, and I can now say I've strung a guitar. That wasn't so bad.

Then came the fun part for a true beginner - Tuning A Guitar. Did I mention I don't have a musical ear? Well, the Lord had blessed me with being able to borrow a guitar, and the fact he had let me use his complete kit (tuner, strings, picks, chord book, etc.) did not hurt one iota. I think I spend 2+ hours just plucking the strings to get them tuned, looking for that green light on the eletric tuner to appear. I started out ok, but then broke the low E again after too much tightening, so I get to go buy more strings tonight. I don't mind doing that, as I would take a trip to the music store just to get picks if need be (and I will :) ), as I really enjoy it there.

Well, I did get the rest of the strings in tune. It was an ordeal for a newbie, and honestly, I am not sure what they expect you to do by yourself without a musical ear... I'd be lost, that's for sure. But I'm learning! I've got at least 2 songs picked out that I want to learn to play, so I can stay focused on what I want to do.

The 2 songs I've chosen are My Savior My God by Aaron Shust (and his short but sweet Give Me Words To Speak intro), as well as Blessed Be Your Name performed by Rebecca St. James. I've currently got tons to choose from, but for some reason, I'm feeling those the most right now.

Stay tuned (pun-intended) for more information :)