God's Will be Done?

Sure is an odd thing, God's will. I mean, as people, we ask and strive for His will to be done (or we should), and yet, the journey can be agonizing. Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane brings this point across. There is a ton of stories likened unto pleasing God that is unpleasing to man. It's not what we'd do, or what we'd want. I guess that's where submitting yourself to Him comes in.

I've been praying lately for God's will to be done. I've been struggling on my current job, and have become fed up with it. I know this is the right time to be looking for a new job as that is what the Lord had informed me of nearly a year ago. So all this time, sticking with this job has been difficult.

To add some more salt to the wound, it seems as though the job I interviewed for yesterday has decided that they will continue to seek someone for the position. I felt God was in it, but you never know. I asked the church to pray, as i was, for God's will to be done. If He didn't want me to have this job, then I didn't want it. In the spirit, that's how it is. I want to please Him. But I tell you, my flesh is not happy with it. I found out earlier today about their decision, and since then, I've been craving comfort food, thinking how nice it would be to just go home and crawl into bed, and praying.

I know, it was just an interview. In fact, it was a follow-up to a successful phone interview. Apparently good enough to deem the owner's time for half of the second interview. After an hour and a half in there, I felt I did good. Apparently they were not satisfied with my personality or skills or experience, or some combination of them.

I don't know what else to say that certainly it must be God's will. The Bible tells us that "All things work for good for those that love God." Would I take the job if they offered it to me for less money? Sure would. I'd take about anything to get away from my current situation, and knowing how miserable I have been working at this position, I thought this would be my ticket out of here. Apparently God has other plans.

Am I complaining? No. I'm just sad because I didn't get what I thought was best, although it's quite possible that I got a steal of a deal, because it seems like it's God's will.

I'll take that over anything.

Pardon Me While I Vent Just A Little

It's been awhile since my last post, and for that, I apologize. Life comes at you fast, sometimes, and it sure has for me lately.

I've been struggling at work, for one thing.

Here's the backstory:

I graduated from college in 2004 with an associates in software programming and left my job at Wal-Mart that I had been with for over 2 years. At this time, all I had for background was primarily factory, retail and janitoral experience. I then got a long-term contracting job as a web-developer.

When I started working as a contractor, I was paid barely above what Wal-Mart had me at when I left. Mind you, Wal-Mart also gave me affordable benefits, so this was a tough move, but I took the job for experience. It's been 2 years now, and I've continually worked with only one other person, the owner of the startup company. I've seen my responsibilties go from data, coding and lite tech support for one system, to data and coding for 2 or more systems, as well as website data, and tech support for about all of them (including websites).

I don't mind people. I like having others around, even some customers are great, as I learned at Wal-Mart. But, when you deal in CS you have to deal with primarily the non-great customers. The ones that nitpick and fault-find. "Our other system does this and yours only does this - we need all of the same features, yet we wanna pay 1/2 as much as we are for the other..." is typical of what the customer's request. And my client I work for (who I've continually called my boss, which I'm trying to work out of my vocabulary as of late) sells it to them for that price.

Sure, it's not a bad product that we put out, and I try hard to get a bug-less system out for production, but man, one person can only do so much. This system is used in over 80 real estate offices as there primary office and appointment scheduling software, and one guy is supposed to do quality assurance for all this? As well as take care of all the other responsibilities too? For marginally more than I made at Wal-mart?

My desire to perform this job at the top of my ability has seemed to sputter out. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do, but it's been 2 years at my current position. Not that it should change anything, but my responsibilities have continued to grow while my pay has barely increased. After talking to a staffing firm for IT professionals, I'm currently making well under the industry standard for my skills.

I mentioned something to the client about needing more funding, and he gave me a nice increase, which I recently found out was intended to be used for insurance. I don't know if you've priced out insurance for self-employed people, but it's not cheap. Basically, my wife and I should be able to get by on about $13.50 (after medical) an hour and limited medical coverage, dental and such would probably take away even more. Did I mention that's before taxes? Yeah, he wants to treat me as an employee yet wants to pay me as a contractor, and do all my own taxes and such.

Anytime I've told him I'm exploring different job options, he's pulled me aside, met with me, convinced me of this and that, and made promises of things yet to be delivered. Not this time. I've seen it in him, he's trying to call my bluff, and I can tell that he's not too happy about my decision. That's okay by me, because it saves me the trouble of having to come up with an excuse or anything, I'd rather just cut the ties. In fact, I've kind of been dreaming about being able to tell him, "Two weeks from now, I won't be around any longer." Gets me excited just thinking about that.

It's quite frustrating, I don't even want to do my job any longer. I pray about it, about God leading me to another position, as this has zero room for growth. Sure, I'm a contractor, but not necessarily by choice. He's told me before that he would be looking at getting me benefits, giving me better raises, etc. I've spent enough time already waiting for my client to fulfill promises that have still yet to come, and I can no longer keep myself energized about being taken advantage of.

I haven't had a vacation since I started, and his idea of me taking a vacation includes taking my laptop to wherever I go and either working from there or monitoring emails to make sure nothing blows up. I can't escape from having this in the back of my mind no matter where I go because he is so controlling, and I've let it go on this far, and am now just starting to get a spine about it.

For far too long I've been spineless in this job. I've called him my boss when in all truth, as a contractor, I should be my own boss. I should be focused on keeping him happy, sure, but, I should also be able to bend some rules and not worry about getting jumped on about being 15 min late some days (this may seem like a normal thing, I know I shouldn't be late, but the position has lent itself to being 9-5, changing to earlier was difficult, and he gets on me about him working from 6am to 10pm... HE OWNS THE COMPANY - I'M A CONTRACTOR)

Forgive me for venting. I take this to the Lord, and I do pray about it, and I really feel like this is the time He has set aside for me to journey elsewhere. Writing helps me to get out the frustration and exhaustion I am feeling, and I don't want you to think I am not waitingon God, because I am trying my best to do so.

Please keep me in your prayers as I do look for jobs, because this one has certainly come to feel like it's coming to a close soon. God blessed me with this position for a time, now I believe He's got something else for me.

I sure sound like a complainer... Lord please help me, I want to be a better man that is a better witness, but tonight, I just had to write, to get this off my chest.

He's God, and I'm not. I still love Him so much, my Jesus.