My Life In General - Walking In Faith

Moving To WordPress

2008-07-23T15:54:00.003-05:00

Moving this blog over to WordPress.com

http://oftheway.wordpress.com

See you there!

Been A Long While

2008-06-18T08:39:00.004-05:00

This blog has been dead really since around Thanksgiving.

It's unfortunate that I chose to stop blogging, as now I'm feeling the itch again, the desire to talk about what God is doing in my life, and how he's directing me.

I plan on posting more, so if you're reading this, life will be coming back to this blog.

Stay tuned!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T12:17:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Discipline Is Good

2007-11-15T16:03:00.000-05:00

Not everyone likes discipline.

When you're young, the words are some of the worst to hear.

When you start getting older, you realize that maybe it's not so bad.

When you get to the age where you want to change aspects of your life, you realize that it's required. That's where I am at.

I recently turned 29, and have realized that I need some discipline in areas that I am not very strong in. I want to live a good, full life, but not one against His will. So I recently took up a gym membership, and just this week has been great. My diet is slowly changing, but it's changing. And in the 4 days I've been signed up, I've gone 3 times (they closed early one day).

But I do realize that it takes more discipline than I want to give. It takes a headstrong approach at times to continue doing an exercise I may not like (or that requires endurance I don't think I have but actually can have if I would just stick with it).

For my health, I'm working out, and trying to eat better. I'm feeling better, but slowly. I'm not huge, but I could stand to lose 30lbs.

This all reminds me of when I started serving God. The discipline I had to have just to go to services, mid-week services and special services. The discipline I had to have (and still need) to open up my Bible and to get on my knees and pray.

God was with me in that. And I know that God doesn't want me to be unhealthy if I can help it. My life has been miserable at times, my fitness level fitting in there many a times. Not that the grass is greener, but that if I can feel healthier, then I am going to. I'm not trying to keep up with someone else, I'm wanting to get out of this initial-obesity feeling I have been having lately.

I do computer programming for my day job, and at night I'm generally a couch potato or (gasp) on the computer. Not anymore.

I will still watch T.V., and play computer games, but I won't be pigging out (often) while I am doing those activities anymore. I need a healthier lifestyle, and I know that it takes work. I didn't get out of shape in a day, and I won't get in shape in a day.

Look at the discipline that is required to live a life for God. Check the Bible, there's prophets and apostles and disciples that had to have the discipline to keep at it. We still need it today. I still need it today.

Need A Break?

2007-11-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

I'm a huge Jennifer Knapp fan. I'm distraught that I never got to see her perform live, or even just say "Hi" at a meet & greet. So when i found the following post that she had made back in 2002, I was excited and I think you'll enjoy it. I know I did :)

I Need A Break by Jennifer Knapp.

Some Private Time With GOD

2007-11-01T10:14:00.000-05:00

Last night I got the privilege of spending near 45 minutes in prayer and worship at church, alone.

I fought hard against the flesh to go, and while I was there I had to battle through some other obstacles, but I am so glad I went. I haven't got a chance to pray like that in a long time, and so I took advantage of it as best as I could.

It was the highlight of my week, that private time with God. :D

This Week's Lesson: How To Praise God

2007-10-29T08:58:00.000-05:00

My wife and I teach Sunday School, and this week's lesson was "How To Praise God". It referenced the following:

Psalm 34:1
"I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth."

The story was about Paul and Silas, and how they were imprisoned for preaching Jesus Christ and for doing good works. The community of religious folk didn't like it, especially when they rebuked the spirit of seer that followed them (the one that made the religious fold rich because of her fore-knowledege).

So when Paul and Silas were in prison, after having been beaten, and they started praising God. I'm sure prison's aren't the quietest places on earth, and probably the same that night. But they still praised God in song.

When the earthquake started, I wonder who the first prisoner was that realized that the singing of the preacher was setting them free? I know it was only God that kept them there, that's for sure. The presence of God is so sweet, whether in prison or on vacation.

Then the guard charged in, thought the prisoners had escaped, and was ready to take his own life. This was common back then, as you would have to forfeit your life for the one who kept his. At that moment, Paul and Silas let him know that they were all still there - a miracle in and of itself. The guard was baptized that night, and if I am not mistaken, received the Holy Ghost as well.

The whole moral of the story is that, while most of us would whine and groan when in that same predicament, whether it be because of doing bad or doing good. Paul and Silas chose to praise God, and not just worry about themselves. Because they chose to do so, an entire prison got to experience God's awesome power (not only were Paul & Silas set free, the entire prison was), and at the very least, the guard came to the knowledge of Christ.

What a blessing we can be if we would just be more concerned with God than our own selves.

A Long Time Coming

2007-10-23T22:12:00.000-05:00

I finally got a chance to get back to my home state, Maine.

My gram passed away last Tuesday at a ripe old age of 82, and was serving the Lord. So I got a chance to see my family that hasn't seen me in 7-10 years or more, and I am so thankful for that.

He will take you where He wants you to go, you just need to be willing to move.

A Month Already?

2007-07-06T13:26:00.000-05:00

I left my old job on the 8th of June. That's 4 weeks today!

Wow, has it already been a month?

It's been so great not being at that old job anymore. Sure, I've done some side-work for them, but nothing even remotely close as to what I had to manage before I left. Life has slowed down some, I've done some great things around the house, like... being nicer!

Not having the influence of that man in my life anymore sure has made a difference. I know that the new job won't always make me happy, as there have been days and there will be days where I struggle, but that not-withstanding, I'm certainly a cheerier person as of late!

I read something that has been helping too. It was a description of what a seasoned sailer vs a novice sailer could do, or so I believe. That a novice sailor can be pushed around by the storms on the sea and hopefully get where he's going, but will be blown about a whole lot. The seasoned sailor, though, knows where he's going and doesn't worry about the storms, because even in the storms he knows how to keep his ship going in the right direction, even if it's against the wind.

The novice sailor gets distracted by the storm. The seasoned sailor focuses on the destination.

That's how I want to be. It won't happen overnight, but over time, I hope to change my attitude towards certain things and my personality during others. Slowly but surely, I desire to be experienced in this life for the Lord. But you don't understand how to steer during a storm until you experience them, and I hope that I can make it to the destination I've chosen.

Lord, help me to be a seasoned sailor that I will make it to where You are.

Today's The Day

2007-06-08T15:36:00.000-05:00

It's been over 2 weeks since I last posted. For that, I apologize. But, I have good news!

Are you ready?

My God has lined up another job for me that easily makes this one worth all the toil and trouble! And guess what?

Today's my last day at this position. I will be working for another company, locally, that is paying me more and wanting what I've got to offer, all thanks to my trust in God.

To say I haven't had doubt over the past year or more of job searching would be a lie. I've had my share, and I've learned new stuff and turned to other stuff. But it's what He originally helped me to decide that has come to fruition, and for that, I am thankful.

Instead of a 6 month temp-to-hire, it's turned into a 6 week temp-to-hire. And I start Monday!

Praise be to God, not only in the good times, but also in the storms and the times of lowliness.

He doesn't necessarily deliver us when we want it, He delivers us when it's best for us, not by what we think, but by His wisdom :)

Short & Sweet

2007-05-22T20:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been waiting for a long time for this. Tomorrow might finally be the day that I can put in my two week notice!

I've not been too great at work lately, because really, I am so done with this job. I got some revitalization today, but that can only last so long.

So, here's to God seeing us through our trials and tribulations. He doesn't take the storm away, He just helps you through it, if you depend on Him. And boy, have I needed His help.

So, whether I get an offer I like or not, here's to Jesus, the Alpha and the Omega!

Clarity vs. Doubt and Confusion

2007-04-23T22:36:00.000-05:00

So I'm stressing about work again - you'd think I'd be done with that by now, wouldn't you?

It's another day, and another way to analyze how this whole thing is going. I've come to realize that my client doesn't seem to know how to write stuff down. Honestly. It's like it's foreign to him.

Throughout my days at work, I get interrupted with his ideas, as he tells me either about how something is broken, how it is possibly broken or a new feature he or a customer wants. While it doesn't seem so bad, remember, I try to stay busy throughout the day. So, for me to be working and be completely taken off-guard with his interruptions proves to be quite annoying. If he could write it up and then set it on the stack, it'd be fine.

Case in point
This morning, immediately after I got to work, I had an email from him about how there were 800 missing users. Talk about taking me off-guard. Turns out that an email from a couple weeks back that stated, "Please give all users the password 'abcd'" was actually to be interpreted "Please add all agents that don't currently have user accounts and assign them the password 'abcd'". If you work in IT, or even if you don't, you can see how this would be interpreted. So this morning, he's all on my case, telling me, "Josh, that's not what the customer wanted - you told him it was done." Done to the letter of the email? Yes. Done as he desired but didn't express? No.

Clarity in the email would have been great. Documentation or something that would describe what's desired - what the end result would be.

I'm glad God isn't like this. He's given us tons of documentation about how He wants it all to turn out - we should end up looking like Jesus to someone that doesn't know our name or face. It's well written, it's tried and true, and it's only doable through God.

We work with God on it, believing, asking, seeking, knocking, experiencing. Even on the smaller scale things, He makes sure His people know exactly what's required of them. He doesn't skimp on detail in the old testament or in the new - He simply tells us outright.

I like that.

I'm Not Superman

2007-04-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been dealing with a lot of stress at work. I've gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore. I want to, I want to do my job with gusto, but I just don't have the oompf it seems.

After last weeks fiasco, and all that built up to it, I feel like I should just lay my head down and sleep through the day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not defeating myself, I just feel overworked - again. I feel like I am responsible for all that goes on in my job.

If the data isn't right, I need to have it fixed ASAP.
If an email or three doesn't go out, I need to look in the code, ASAP.
If there is a bug, it's got to be fixed ASAP.
If new data is needing to be setup, it needs setup ASAP.
If my client is having trouble with anything, he needs help ASAP.
If a support issue needs answered, it must be done ASAP.

Let's not forget to add in the fact that my client likes to continue to email me concerning issues I have absolutely zero control over, even thought I've told him time and time again. He likes to chat about his business but is clueless over the fact that I'm already gone.

It just feels like it's not working out. I've become disgruntled. I'm not happy dealing with his customers and having to offer tech support, as a majority of them honestly don't seem to know much of anything about computers at all. Realtors and their assistants who tend to be over 40 and 50 years old, new to doing things on a computer.

It's rather frustrating.

So instead of continuing on this road that I don't want to be on, that I don't want to arrive at it's destination, I've decided to take the next exit. I've decided to write a new chapter in my life.

Now, I don't pretend to know if this is the right decision, but I am tired of being confused and concerned about my future. I am a son of God and I know He will take care of me, but I can't simply be a pushover either.

God does want us to have backbones. He does want us to stand up. That's what He wanted from Adam & Eve, from the prophets and from the apostles. Someone that would stand up and not be ashamed. Someone that found who they were in God and not in this world. Someone that believed in themselves, because they believed in God, and knew that He believed in them.

I want to spread the gospel. I want to live the gospel. I want to be an example to others, and I feel like up until now I've been a failure. I've rarely stood up for what I believe in, life-wise. I could tell you how I've been whisked away with the times throughout my entire life, just letting life take me where it leads me. That's how I ended up where I am in my career, one of the major aspects of my life that I want to change. I'm not happy where I am in life. I'm looking down the road and seeing that my destination isn't my desire. That where I want to be is where I won't be if I don't get myself moving, if I don't take hold of this and instead of just hanging, start directing.

I'm tired of riding the bull. It was fun for a while, but I've gotten pretty banged up. Let's try the horse - I can control the speed and the direction.

Not only am I aiming for a career shift, but also a shift in my dealings with people. I want to live like Jesus wants me to live. I want to help others come to Christ

I believe I can do this. I feel like I need this. Everything before has let up to this day, this moment.

I've chosen my path, and I will hold fast.

I want to be purely His. Purely.

I Didn't Realize I Needed That

2007-04-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

That's how I am today.

Yesterday, after 2-3 solid days of grief with work, I started talking to a friend. I let him know how much I wanted to quit my job and do almost anything else, almost.

For the past 2.5 years, I've been working basically as a contractor for a client, and time and time again I've thought of moving on. What's always holding me back is the amount of knowledge I have to gain to make a career change.

I work with Php and MySQL everyday. Now these are two technologies that are very robust and I've come to know very well. The problem arises in job searching, because I can rarely if ever find a company looking for those primary items on a resume. Instead, what I do see multitudes of, is the competing technology, ASP .NET and MS SQL - basically a Linux vs. Microsoft option.

Here's the interesting part: Although I see tons and tons of jobs for the Microsoft technology, I continue to stick with what I know, the Linux technology. I've only ever dabbled in attempting to learn the other, more as a side thing than a career change thing.

Yesterday, I had an epiphany.

Here I am, bogged down with who I am and what I do, needing to get a change of pace and shift my career a bit, yet I am so stubborn as to think I'll get where I'm wanting to go on a road that I am refusing to move from. If I don't want to be on this road, then why aren't I getting off the exit? Why am I not learning the Microsoft technology to make a change and actually be able to get a different job, and shift my career in the process?

It makes me realize how this world works. That's exactly how living in this world gets. You want to get to Heaven, but you refuse to change the road your on.

Get off at the exit, already.

The road to Heaven is a different road than most of are used to. It's different than what television and magazines would have us think. Aren't you looking at the signs? Do you really think that in Heaven, we're all gonna be talking about some celebrity's baby or the newest Tarantino movie? We're not going to be playing XBox in Heaven.

Heaven is a place where we will be finally reconciled with God. Forever. Maybe to you, that's odd. Maybe it's even a bit scary. If so, then you probably don't know Him all that well, because it's going to be awesome.

It doesn't get any better than what we should be striving for, not necessarily what we are striving for.

I'm going to be spending time learning the Microsoft technology. Why? When I found out about Jesus and having a relationship with Him, I figured it would take me where I eventually want to be - a place that is peaceful, happy, and forever loving. Sure beat the heck out of the destination I had before that - I had nowhere I was headed for.

Head for something better - head for Jesus, head for God - and in doing so you may be happier than you thought you would be.

That's Rewarding

2007-04-02T10:24:00.000-05:00

Sunday School was somewhat of an event yesterday. While it was nice, and I feel like I did get the message for the lesson across (that's my aim), I am pleased by something that happened much later in the morning.

One of the children that attends our class had walked away for 3 months. Her friend invited her back, and she came. She's 10 years old, and comes from a broken home. Let's just say her and I aren't exactly buddy-buddy.

Originally, she wanted to get baptized in Jesus' name, but left before doing so, seemingly bawking at the event. More-so, it was the effect that our Christmas play was having on her, she wanted to do it but didn't want to practice, so my wife decided that she was going to get cut (we only had 5 practices, they were pretty important). After that, she stopped coming. Though we tried to reason with her and continually asked her best friend about her, she still failed to come.

Well, yesterday was her second week back. She was still a little rough in class, being who she is. I personally enjoying being friends with the kids and helping them to learn more about God in that manner than physically teaching a group of 6-9 year olds. She's the oldest in our class and due to graduate to the next class in September, and yesterday I felt like she had a breakthrough.

We had a missionary at the church, and when the altar call went out, she came forward. What happened next I didn't expect. She began to raise her hands and the missionary started to pray with her. She stood and prayed with assistance from others for 10 minutes or more. I know I was not the only one hoping that she would receive the Holy Ghost, but I was also doing the best I could for her by interceding - I've been in those situations, and I know how the mind can get distracted. I did not want her to leave wanting, but to get her fill.

Needless to say, my wife and I are quite proud of her, and we are hoping that this is just the start. I'm sure baptism in Jesus' name will be discussed again before long, and we're hoping that she goes through with it this time.

I don't take much of any credit for what happened except hopefully being a good example, but I do believe the missionary's sermon was what gave her the momentum to get out of that seat and come to the front. She's learned this stuff in Sunday School and is now seeing it at work in her own life.

That's rewarding, and I'm glad my wife and I could help her to see how good God really is - for He is truly awesome.

What Child Is This?

2007-03-28T09:43:00.000-05:00

Wow, blink and it's gone. Has It Really Been That Long? 4 months and counting since my last blog - what is wrong with me?

I have tons going on in life, you'd think I'd at least have time to share it with you all.

God is still doing amazing things in and around my life. Here's a taste:

Last week, one of our Sunday School students called (he's 9), and was asking if he could help teach. I told him that if he prepared and cleared it with my wife and I, that sure, we'd love to have him help out. He got excited, and let us know he'd run it by us, and then the conversation ended.

Apparently, after said conversation, he grabbed his Bible and trekked over to his grandma's house to ask for some help (she informed us that this brought a tear to her eye). He asked for her help with writing out scripture he had found.

He called us back later on to tell us he was going to read from Isaiah 9:2-7. This is what he had his grandma help him write out, and shared with us in class:
---------------------------------
2 "The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined."
3 "Thou hast multiplied the nation, and not increased the joy: they joy before thee according to the joy in harvest, and as men rejoice when they divide the spoil."
4 "For thou hast broken the yoke of his burden, and the staff of his shoulder, the rod of his oppressor, as in the day of Midian."
5 "For every battle of the warrior is with confused noise, and garments rolled in blood; but this shall be with burning and fuel of fire."
6 "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."
7 "Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will perform this."

I'm stoked that one of the students we teach, especially that age, undertook such a task. He gave us a short, one sentence meaning of the scripture after reading it - that it's about hope and promise.

I'm glad God continues to work in my life. I am far from perfect, so it makes it that much better to know that the King hasn't left the building.

Breaking Free from My Cell

2006-11-17T08:53:00.000-05:00

Ever feel bottled up? Ever go to work and just not feel like doing anything, or being unable to concentrate?

Welcome to the club.

I've had those days too, and got another one like that today, so I thought maybe I'd blog about it.

Check out Luke 4:17-21, emphasis added:
---------------------------------
¹⁷ "And there was delivered unto him the book of the prophet Esaias. And when he had opened the book, he found the place where it was written,"
^{18 "}The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,"
^{19 "}To preach the acceptable year of the Lord."
^{20 "}And he closed the book, and he gave it again to the minister, and sat down. And the eyes of all them that were in the synagogue were fastened on him."
²¹ "And he began to say unto them, This day is this scripture fulfilled in your ears. "

It's so nice to be know that He came to preach deliverance to the captives, even nicer to know that He delivered many people, and continues to do so. Jesus may be the one that opens it up to us, but we need to be the one's that grab hold of it. I'll never forget the message that bro. harold hoffman taught me, "You need to proclaim liberty to the captives, even if you are one of the captives."

So here's a fellow captive telling you that Jesus can set you free. He's done it time and time again for me, and I know that I can receive it if I can just step away from this world and focus on the spirit for a bit. The world dilutes us, like bad fruit does to good fruit, and without the master, we're all just going to rot.

I'm glad I know the master. If you don't know Him, I'd be glad to introduce you.

Learning To Love

2006-11-16T11:08:00.000-05:00

My wife is just now getting over an infection that has been going on for a month or more. I can honestly say that I have actually enjoyed being able to wait on her while she's been resting, staying in bed for probably a good 26 out of 30 days. Sounds a little odd, I'll agree, but read on.

I know when Jesus said it was good to be a servant He didn't only mean when someone was sick, but I can't say that it hasn't helped to open my eyes a little more. I love my wife very much, and to be able to take care of her needs, I find fulfillment in that, especially when she is unable to take care of herself. I can't help but think that somehow, God is opening my eyes more and more to see how I should be to everyone. He's already talked to me about it before, but now I can see it taking form, where I can actually feel myself getting ready to utilize it.

Probably about a year or two ago, I knelt in prayer in church, and I was asking God what my ministry was. This was prior to becoming a Sunday School teacher or ever having a desire to play the guitar. He told me, and I won't ever forget it, is that my ministry is to Love. I even followed that up with what would be my 3rd teaching from the pulpit, specifically on Love.

God working in me, He led me to scriptures in the Bible, ministered to me at a life changing Youth Rally, and opened my eyes so much more to what I should be doing. And until recently, much longer after He's told me and showed me all of these things, I think I am now starting to get it.

Here's a few of my favorite scriptures, depicting how important loving others really is (emphasis added for the key parts of the scripture) :

Song Of Solomon 8:6
---------------------
"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame."

Matthew 22:25-40
---------------------
35 "Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying,"
^{36 "}Master, which is the great commandment in the law?"
³⁷ "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."
^{38 "}This is the first and great commandment."
^{39 "}And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."
⁴⁰ "On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."

So as I learn to love more, I thank God for helping me to see with my own eyes how love should be. There are many more scriptures concerning love, but I'll let you dig for them. It's like a treasure hunt, these little nuggets of gold that God gives us :)

Checking In

2006-10-10T10:55:00.000-05:00

Been busy lately, just thought I'd post a blog to let everyone that might read this not to think that I'm done with it. I've been meaning to get some time to post but, as my wife would tell you, my priorities tend to get uber-mingled, next thing you know it's out of my head.

Guess I'm a little scatterbrained, but that's ok.

So, quick preview of things I'll be blogging about soon:

Guitar Lessons and how they are going (hint: good :) ).
My attendance to General Conference 2006 where 1108(!) people received the Holy Spirit.
Sunday School and how God's using me in it.
Outreach & witnessing and general info on how I feel God is calling me to be a sower.
and much more :)

Until then, I'll continue to be walking in faith :)

God's Will be Done?

2006-08-16T13:44:00.000-05:00

Sure is an odd thing, God's will. I mean, as people, we ask and strive for His will to be done (or we should), and yet, the journey can be agonizing. Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane brings this point across. There is a ton of stories likened unto pleasing God that is unpleasing to man. It's not what we'd do, or what we'd want. I guess that's where submitting yourself to Him comes in.

I've been praying lately for God's will to be done. I've been struggling on my current job, and have become fed up with it. I know this is the right time to be looking for a new job as that is what the Lord had informed me of nearly a year ago. So all this time, sticking with this job has been difficult.

To add some more salt to the wound, it seems as though the job I interviewed for yesterday has decided that they will continue to seek someone for the position. I felt God was in it, but you never know. I asked the church to pray, as i was, for God's will to be done. If He didn't want me to have this job, then I didn't want it. In the spirit, that's how it is. I want to please Him. But I tell you, my flesh is not happy with it. I found out earlier today about their decision, and since then, I've been craving comfort food, thinking how nice it would be to just go home and crawl into bed, and praying.

I know, it was just an interview. In fact, it was a follow-up to a successful phone interview. Apparently good enough to deem the owner's time for half of the second interview. After an hour and a half in there, I felt I did good. Apparently they were not satisfied with my personality or skills or experience, or some combination of them.

I don't know what else to say that certainly it must be God's will. The Bible tells us that "All things work for good for those that love God." Would I take the job if they offered it to me for less money? Sure would. I'd take about anything to get away from my current situation, and knowing how miserable I have been working at this position, I thought this would be my ticket out of here. Apparently God has other plans.

Am I complaining? No. I'm just sad because I didn't get what I thought was best, although it's quite possible that I got a steal of a deal, because it seems like it's God's will.

I'll take that over anything.

Pardon Me While I Vent Just A Little

2006-08-08T22:59:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since my last post, and for that, I apologize. Life comes at you fast, sometimes, and it sure has for me lately.

I've been struggling at work, for one thing.

Here's the backstory:

I graduated from college in 2004 with an associates in software programming and left my job at Wal-Mart that I had been with for over 2 years. At this time, all I had for background was primarily factory, retail and janitoral experience. I then got a long-term contracting job as a web-developer.

When I started working as a contractor, I was paid barely above what Wal-Mart had me at when I left. Mind you, Wal-Mart also gave me affordable benefits, so this was a tough move, but I took the job for experience. It's been 2 years now, and I've continually worked with only one other person, the owner of the startup company. I've seen my responsibilties go from data, coding and lite tech support for one system, to data and coding for 2 or more systems, as well as website data, and tech support for about all of them (including websites).

I don't mind people. I like having others around, even some customers are great, as I learned at Wal-Mart. But, when you deal in CS you have to deal with primarily the non-great customers. The ones that nitpick and fault-find. "Our other system does this and yours only does this - we need all of the same features, yet we wanna pay 1/2 as much as we are for the other..." is typical of what the customer's request. And my client I work for (who I've continually called my boss, which I'm trying to work out of my vocabulary as of late) sells it to them for that price.

Sure, it's not a bad product that we put out, and I try hard to get a bug-less system out for production, but man, one person can only do so much. This system is used in over 80 real estate offices as there primary office and appointment scheduling software, and one guy is supposed to do quality assurance for all this? As well as take care of all the other responsibilities too? For marginally more than I made at Wal-mart?

My desire to perform this job at the top of my ability has seemed to sputter out. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do, but it's been 2 years at my current position. Not that it should change anything, but my responsibilities have continued to grow while my pay has barely increased. After talking to a staffing firm for IT professionals, I'm currently making well under the industry standard for my skills.

I mentioned something to the client about needing more funding, and he gave me a nice increase, which I recently found out was intended to be used for insurance. I don't know if you've priced out insurance for self-employed people, but it's not cheap. Basically, my wife and I should be able to get by on about $13.50 (after medical) an hour and limited medical coverage, dental and such would probably take away even more. Did I mention that's before taxes? Yeah, he wants to treat me as an employee yet wants to pay me as a contractor, and do all my own taxes and such.

Anytime I've told him I'm exploring different job options, he's pulled me aside, met with me, convinced me of this and that, and made promises of things yet to be delivered. Not this time. I've seen it in him, he's trying to call my bluff, and I can tell that he's not too happy about my decision. That's okay by me, because it saves me the trouble of having to come up with an excuse or anything, I'd rather just cut the ties. In fact, I've kind of been dreaming about being able to tell him, "Two weeks from now, I won't be around any longer." Gets me excited just thinking about that.

It's quite frustrating, I don't even want to do my job any longer. I pray about it, about God leading me to another position, as this has zero room for growth. Sure, I'm a contractor, but not necessarily by choice. He's told me before that he would be looking at getting me benefits, giving me better raises, etc. I've spent enough time already waiting for my client to fulfill promises that have still yet to come, and I can no longer keep myself energized about being taken advantage of.

I haven't had a vacation since I started, and his idea of me taking a vacation includes taking my laptop to wherever I go and either working from there or monitoring emails to make sure nothing blows up. I can't escape from having this in the back of my mind no matter where I go because he is so controlling, and I've let it go on this far, and am now just starting to get a spine about it.

For far too long I've been spineless in this job. I've called him my boss when in all truth, as a contractor, I should be my own boss. I should be focused on keeping him happy, sure, but, I should also be able to bend some rules and not worry about getting jumped on about being 15 min late some days (this may seem like a normal thing, I know I shouldn't be late, but the position has lent itself to being 9-5, changing to earlier was difficult, and he gets on me about him working from 6am to 10pm... HE OWNS THE COMPANY - I'M A CONTRACTOR)

Forgive me for venting. I take this to the Lord, and I do pray about it, and I really feel like this is the time He has set aside for me to journey elsewhere. Writing helps me to get out the frustration and exhaustion I am feeling, and I don't want you to think I am not waitingon God, because I am trying my best to do so.

Please keep me in your prayers as I do look for jobs, because this one has certainly come to feel like it's coming to a close soon. God blessed me with this position for a time, now I believe He's got something else for me.

I sure sound like a complainer... Lord please help me, I want to be a better man that is a better witness, but tonight, I just had to write, to get this off my chest.

He's God, and I'm not. I still love Him so much, my Jesus.

Another Creative Late Night

2006-07-25T10:15:00.000-05:00

I got my guitar last week, and boy do I look forward to praticing it every night. I'm still learning notes, so I haven't gotten to the chords lessons yet. I will say, however, that my patience of learning Yankee Doodle and Rockin' Robin is wearing thin. That 3rd string is getting easier though, and I'm definitely enjoying the whole new world of creativity and expression that I'm experiencing.

After practicing last night for a good hour or so, I sat on the couch and ended up inadvertently taking a powernap (read: fell asleep). So I woke up around 9pm, and realized that I needed to get to work... soon. You see, we had a software upgrade rollout this morning, and I had to prep the database for it, finalize code changes, etc. Well, after I was able to pull myself away from wrestling(I enjoy the sportsmanship but not the storyline or language, and yes, I'm trying to stop watching it), I got to the computer and just started knocking things out.

I work so much better in the quiet of the night than in the workday. I know, if you read the first chapter of Genesis, it states quite frequently that, "And the evening and the morning" in reference to the days. It gives you the thought that God works well in the evening too. Creative juices just seem to flow better. It doesn't state that He created the earth from 9 to 5, just kind of gives speculation that the evening was His choice time for working. Brother Rusty Strange pointed that out years ago in a service, and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

This doesn't suprise me, then, that we have similar characteristics, since we were created in His image. Sure, our nature, given the history of humanity, is not like that of God, but some of our desires, we look to have at least the creative thing in common :)

I like that. I like knowing that my Jesus is where I get some of my attributes, and where I should look to get all of them from. He's just too good to pass up :)

Talking To Myself

2006-07-14T10:59:00.000-05:00

I just picked up this new hobby. You're probably thinking "What!?". I know, I've seen and heard others talk to themselves, and I usually think the same thing "step back slowly and no one will get hurt...", but it's a simple idea that's based in Psalm 42:5

"Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance."

It's no mystery that I can be a bear about my feelings, or be down just because, but the scripture depicts David talking to himself. He, inside, is feeling down. Whether it be because of something someone has said, or something Satan is whispering in his ear, he's just not happy. His joy is not present.

Now, what does David do? He talks to himself. "Why are thou cast down, O my soul?" is the start to a conversation. He's now ready to listen to what he's thinking, but will rationalize it out loud. He then tells himself, "hope thou in God". He is effectively preaching to himself, bringing himself up out of his depressed state.

The joy of Jesus Christ is something that I tend to not look at, simply because of the day and time in which I live, distractions aplenty and a myriad of unbelievers does not help me. But if David, who has been hated by many, can make a stand through God, surely the Lord can help me.

This is one of those nuggets of gold that the Lord has given me. I will treasure it, and I will try not to talk to myself too loudly.

Lackadaisical Am I

2006-07-13T09:05:00.000-05:00

Well, after another day of stress (I tell you, I'm gonna crack soon), I've come to the conclusion (yes, I've just come to it, so save the smarmy-ness) that I need help.

After a couple of the sermons that my Pastor has taught over the past few weeks, one aptly titled "Cleanup Your Life", I decided to act on it. So I've made a list of things I need to take care of, a "Cleanup Your Life" list, if you will.

What is this list, you ask, and what does it contain?

It's a list of outstanding things in my life that need attention. From the computer I've been trying to get installed in a family's home, to a website that needs a designer (I'm not designing it, I just was lax on getting the designer informed of it, my bad), to fixing many other small problems that have just seemed to snowball. I've got an easy 30+ items on this list (mind you, a few items are like "Get splenda at Wal-Mart"), with more coming as I think of it. Like today, one item I'm gonna get completed is going to Payless, and grabbing a pair of sneakers. I've put it off for awhile, wanting sandals, hoping the wife will crack (she's tough, I tell you), but sneakers have been fine for me all my life, surely another pair can't hurt? I can always get sandals some other time, or another year.

I'm glad that Jesus is always working on me, and I'll tell you, I am not the smoothest clay in the land, but if He'll just keep working on me, it won't be so bad. After all, the pretty pots at the shops aren't raw clay from the ground, it's refined and worked by a skilled potter. He surely is a skilled potter, and I, as the pot, do not like the fire of the kiln that I seem to find myself in as of late. But it makes me better in the end, and more suitable to God, and that's what matters.

Sore Fingers & A Smile

2006-07-12T13:13:00.000-05:00

It's been about a week since I started learning how to play the guitar. I've found that I do enjoy it, as it is so dynamic, yet very pleasing. It's simple at times (for an absolute beginner, that's a good thing), but also challenging. I haven't even thought of giving up on it, ever. It's just rewarding to learn something that will keep you enthralled for the rest of your life. I thank God for that.

With learning the guitar comes sore fingers, as any guitar player can attest. I guess the fact that I am not allowed to baby them doesn't help (programming sure helps...). That's all good and fine thoug, because if you can believe it, I kind of like it. It's not like when you get sore after working out, you don't wanna do it again. It's more like I just got my fill and am waiting abit to go back and get refilled.

It's been a treat, I will say that. God surely is looking out for me, I just continue to pray that I please Him.

Stay Tuned

2006-07-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Lord has been blessing me and I am so happy He's given me a desire to praise and worship Him through a method I never considered before for myself.

I've been pining over saving up the money and how long it will take to get the cash to buy a good guitar that I won't need to replace for some time, but then I also see that means I won't be able to learn until I've got one... catch 22 there. Well, it seems I've got a friend that has an acoustic guitar gathering dust in it's gig bag, and he's fully willing to let me learn on it. So yesterday, he stopped by, and I had in my hands a what will be my learning guitar.

Many thanks go out to him, it's a great gesture to show someone you care that they learn. I really appreciate it.

I spent the first part of my night in my induction class (taught by yours truly with help from various websites) on Stringing A Guitar. I'm glad strings were included in the kit, except that now I need to go replace them, but hey, I learn by doing, and I can now say I've strung a guitar. That wasn't so bad.

Then came the fun part for a true beginner - Tuning A Guitar. Did I mention I don't have a musical ear? Well, the Lord had blessed me with being able to borrow a guitar, and the fact he had let me use his complete kit (tuner, strings, picks, chord book, etc.) did not hurt one iota. I think I spend 2+ hours just plucking the strings to get them tuned, looking for that green light on the eletric tuner to appear. I started out ok, but then broke the low E again after too much tightening, so I get to go buy more strings tonight. I don't mind doing that, as I would take a trip to the music store just to get picks if need be (and I will :) ), as I really enjoy it there.

Well, I did get the rest of the strings in tune. It was an ordeal for a newbie, and honestly, I am not sure what they expect you to do by yourself without a musical ear... I'd be lost, that's for sure. But I'm learning! I've got at least 2 songs picked out that I want to learn to play, so I can stay focused on what I want to do.

The 2 songs I've chosen are My Savior My God by Aaron Shust (and his short but sweet Give Me Words To Speak intro), as well as Blessed Be Your Name performed by Rebecca St. James. I've currently got tons to choose from, but for some reason, I'm feeling those the most right now.

Stay tuned (pun-intended) for more information :)

Me? Musical? We'll See About That.

2006-07-06T12:44:00.000-05:00

So a couple weeks ago, a buddy of mine got back from Florida after doing some work for a business friend. He had got enough money to buy a guitar, so we went out to some music stores. He's been wanting to get a one since back around December, and feels that God is leading him in that direction. Well, after about an hour at the first store, he had his own electric guitar. They didn't sell music books there, though, so that meant an extra stop.

Fine by me, I'm justing wanting to help him out.

We stopped by Willis Music and looked around. I kept browsing, just looking at the guitars, and thinking, "Ok, that's a nice one... that one too... and that one...". Well, the (unbeknownst-to-me store manager) told me to feel free to pick up and play anything or everything. I've never taken a musical class in my life and certainly haven't attempted anything since that recorder they let you use back in elementary school. Having a feeling drawing me to just let loose a little bit (my friend was over doing something else, and I found a nice place back around with a tiny bit of privacy), I picked up the first guitar I've held with an intention of playing, ever. Sure, I've strummed a bit before, but that was something my sister's then-fiance` was all about, guitar.

Well, I just felt something good, something right. I might not have any musical talent (yet), but I have a deep desire to learn to play the guitar. I could feel the ability to play from my heart and worship God, even though I didn't know what a pick-up was (not my truck...).

Since then, I've been back to the store once, and I spent that one mainly looking and playing with the acoustic guitars.

Offended By God OR What Is Wrong With America?

2006-06-09T07:43:00.000-05:00

A new movie coming out has earned a PG rating because it includes a man living by faith and being a good witness by simply being a good man, who honors God and seeks His will. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that hollywood doesn't like these things, but what's worse is that the reason it is getting a PG rating is due to Christian content.

You can read the story at Scripps Howard News Service about the whole thing.

I know I shouldn't be amazed, it doesn't blow me away when a film that is talking about God is a positive manner is set as a movie that parent's should advise or watch with their kids. What does bother me is really what else the article goes on to talk about, how the MPAA will not impose these guidelines on movies promoting homosexuality in a positive light. I'd much rather have a kid that learns about God without me knowing about it and might be interested in what Jesus is all about than for them to be under the impression that 2 men or women kissing (or even holding hands) is an ok thing.

The bible tells to "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

I hope to have my children founded and rooted in Jesus Christ.

Walking Away - I Just Won't Do That

2006-06-07T19:00:00.000-05:00

Over the past couple weeks our church has been going through one of the hardest times that it could spiritually, I believe. Our pastor passed away on April 29th, and having made known who he desired as his successor, it caused a division in the church. Not his decision per se, but the way the board of trustees went about presenting his selection. Many believed that a choice should be presented and others were offended that those who wanted choice weren't 100% behind the pastor's decision.

Enter Satan. He is called the accuser, is he not? Because many accusations were made. Gossiping and backbiting, that was not of God.

For me, it seems like it gets worse.

I've just received news from my best friend that he and his family will no longer be part of the church I attend. Being offended by others often, he's been consistently informed of by God that he is to remain there. Trust me, he's fought it a couple times, and he's lost, but it was God that wanted him to be obedient. Now, as of just a bit ago, he told me he won't be coming back. Not this time, unless God tells him otherwise. Too many times he's been offended by those that call themselves saints of God, and it hurts to see him and his family leave. I mean, he's still my friend, always will be, but it doesn't lessen the pain.

During this pastoral transition, at least 5 people have left, of them, 2 or more that proclaimed to be stand-up, God loving Christians. I can't help but look back at the message we heard at the youth rally we attended last month. The message there was about Nehemiah and the great work of rebuilding the wall. The preacher informed us that trouble will come, that there will be those that feel justified in their decision to leave, whether of themselves or of God, and lay down their tools and remove themselves from the heat and the unpleasantness that comes with such a work.

What were the other workers supposed to do? Follow suite? Nope. We were told to keep our heads down and not worry about that, not even look and watch what's happening, because that will distract us from the work we are doing. Personally, I find it difficult not to look, to see my friend that has been with me for about 2 years now decide that he should be elsewhere. Will I follow him? I can't say that I will.

My only choice is to keep myself focused on what God's doing. A new pastor means a new beginning, and it hurts to see people go because it feels like they are not giving him a chance, when in truth, it's being offended by fellow church members and should-be children of God that is driving them away. It's hard for me to believe that this division can be of God, when at times those that are leaving have better reputations amongst the saints than those that are causing them to leave. It feels like they are giving up on our church, and to me, that's nothing to take lightly.

I don't know who all is in the wrong (both sides at times, I would say, because humans are flawed), but I do know this: it has been a most difficult time for all of us, some more than others. To be apathetic is not an option for me, because I do care. It like watching your family get separated and there's nothing you can do about it, because nobody is willing to admit fault. I've heard it said that the offenders are "too big" to do that, that they don't expect it and won't be part of church that has people that do such things.

I find it hard to focus, to keep my eyes on God, because I see others picking up their tools and walking away, but focus I will, because I need to keep my eyes on God. If you are reading this, I ask to please keep us all in prayer.

Stressed Out or Just Confused?

2006-06-07T02:18:00.000-05:00

Me and the Mrs. haven't been getting along so well lately. My 1 am outbursts (due to lack of sleep or much stress) hasn't helped, as I am learning there are things that we say that we can't take back as easily as we'd like. Stress may very well have been coming from the fact that our church has been in the process of voting in a new pastor. A couple nights at service reminded me just how human we are and how much it's possible that Jerry Springer may not have initially been all scripted.

Thanks be to God that last night a decision was finally made by the congregation at a business meeting and we now have a new pastor. Let me tell you the relief is great, and that I am hoping there won't be division like their has been over the past 3 weeks. We've lost a couple of saints over the past few weeks that I would not have thought so quick to leave.

After the afore-mentioned meeting, my wife and I (who are still not conversating like love birds again) just wanted to get out for abit. My thoughts were to go to the Verizon store and get her a new cellphone, as she's been needing a new one for nearly a year. After a quick pit-stop at McDonald's, we were on our way. Too bad the store closed at around 8 pm, because we didn't get there until about 9. Disappointed (I like to check out gadgets, I'm up for a new phone next month), she suggested the book store.

Off to Barnes and Nobles we went.

So my wife and I spent the better part of the night perusing books. She would look through the romance section for her vampire novels that she swears must be categorized wrong, as she refuses to acknowledge that she reads those type of books, while I had the joy of carrying around The Art of War by Sun Tzu (didn't make it to the checkout with this, sorry guys) and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, as well as a list of her books that she wants to look up on half.com. It felt odd having a book by a well-known christian theologian as well as a what is considered the book on war & tactics, and a list of vampire books (aka romance novels).

Before I go on, I need to clarify that I've never been a fan of self-help books. Never. I've been a fan of sci-fi, fantasy and escapsim reads, if you will. Piers Anthony, R.A. Salvatore and Tolkien, those were my picks. My step-mother used to try to make us read Norman Vincent Peal books, and I always tried to avoid reading them as best as I could.

By the end of the night, I'd read a solid 24 pages in a book entitled When I Don't Desire God. If you are looking for an intellectual read as well as something that speaks to your spirit, this is currently my book of choice, and I recommend the first 24 pages with gusto. It talks about the joy that God wants us to have (alot of books do, but not like this, and I don't think they went were this is one going). I'm finding that I can already feel my spiritual strength being renewed, as I'm learning to focus on things other than the newest gadget or what's going on in Php world.

He calls it Christian Hedonism. I call it a welcome change to the views I've held well past the last 6 months.

I'll keep you updated :)